A man walks into a bar, He starts drinking, and pretty soon he yells out, “Lawyers are all a bunch of scumbags!” Another man at the other end of the bar stands up and says, “Hey pal, you’d better watch your fuc*** mouth.” “What, are you a lawyer?” “No, I’m […]
A prisoner has been sentenced to death by the court, and the day of execution has arrived. He looks out of the bars in his cell window and sees that the weather outside is horrendous. I prison guard opens the door to lead the condemned man to the gallows in […]
Five people are blindfolded and led to an animal They are told that they must work together and figure out what animal it is. The first says to the animal, “You are large and rough, so I believe that you are a turtle” The second theorizes, “You have something smooth […]
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means […]
A man goes to a doctor. “Doctor, my tummy hurts”The doctor examines him and says, “No problem, we can fix that. But we have to cut off your ears.” “What, why?! I have a tummy ache, why do you want to cut my ears off?!” “I am a surgeon, that’s […]
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, “It’s illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. ‘Quattro’ means four.” The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, “Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it’s designed […]
A small family of three booked a flight to Kansas They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off. Several times, the father had to chase him […]
A hotel guest walks into the rooftop bar. He tell the bartender, “I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!” “Sure, whatever,” says the bartender. The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he […]
A man rubs a lamp and a Genie pops out. The genie says “What is your last wish, master?” The man is confused and asks why he only gets one wish instead of three. The genie gives a sigh and says, “Master when we first met I did offer you […]
My girlfriend told me she wants more romance in our relationship. So, I thought, “Why not spice things up?” Now, whenever we argue, instead of storming out, I just send her an emoji bouquet until she forgives me. So far, I’ve mastered the “I’m sorry” bouquet and the “I won’t […]
